Eckhardt- Portrait Poem

Hayley Eckhardt

Portrait Poem


If I could lay in one place

For the rest of my young life,

I would chose the smooth,

Sandy beaches of Sarasota.

The fiery sun warms

Every inch of my face,

While the white sand

warms every layer of my skin.

I was torn from my sunny abyss,

When I was nine years old.

We bought a house surrounded

by Vermont’s lush greenery.

The change of scenery,

did not bode well at all.

Flannels to bikinis,

I was forced to adapt.

Although nothing big or small,

could tear me away from

My Sarasota self.

One Comment, Comment or Ping

  1. Ariel

    I would suggest reading this out loud. There are some errors like “I would chose the smooth,” while it should be “I would CHOOSE.” There are also some tense issues and punctuation problems that made a lot of this really confusing, like “While the white sand warms [should be “was warming”] every layer of my skin. [why is there a period here?] I was torn from my sunny abyss [I’d suggest adding “suddenly” somewhere in this line, to make the the transition less awkward].”
    Some of the adjectives seem a little out-of-place, too. You describe Vermont’s plant life as “lush,” which is usually a word with positive connotations, but then you talk about how you weren’t happy in Vermont. You also call Sarasota a “sunny abyss,” but abyss means “a deep, immeasurable space, gulf, or cavity” and that doesn’t really seem to work here.
    All in all, I’d suggest double-checking this poem for errors, reconsidering your word choice, and putting more heart into the poem — make the reader FEEL your homesickness and explain further WHY Vermont was so unpleasant to you.

    November 2nd, 2012